Scared
by xxfhockeygurliexx
Summary: When Eli reveals a big secret to Clare, she doesn't really know how to react. Eli/Clare plus some Clare/Adam friendship.


"And this is where I killed my girlfriend." I shook my head, as if that would make those words fall out of my head. I replayed the scene again and again in my head, hearing him tell me about his amazing girlfriend and then the horrible accident, each time ending with me jumping out of his car, tears threatening to spill down my cheeks, and running. And I guess that's how I ended up here; back pressed up against the big tree in the park, my knees drawn up to my chest, still fighting the tears I knew would eventually come. Now, I'm not usually this self-absorbed, but I wasn't exactly having best day, but I didn't really notice anyone approaching me until I felt the hand on my shoulder.

"Clare? What's wrong?" I looked up, silently relieved that it was Adam sitting next to me and not _him._ "I'm guessing he told you?"

"About Annabel? Yeah he did." I reply looking up at him.

"He's not a bad guy Clare, he didn't really mean to hurt you," I shoot him a look, "Oh come on, you know he didn't."

"I know," I sigh, "And I know its not fair how I'm acting, but it sucks. Okay? It sucks and I hate it."

"Well, yeah, I mean it sucks that she's dead," He says awkwardly, "I mean, she seemed like a sweet girl and all." His voice trails off and I just shake my head, feeling more and more like a horrible person.

"But that's not it," I cry, "That's not even why this is bothering me. I should feel sorry that she's dead and that he loved her and now she's gone but I can't. All I can think about is the fact that he loved her and then she died – "

"Isn't that the same thing?" Adam interrupted.

"I wasn't done," I hissed, "She died loving him and that will never change, no matter what I do, no matter how much I freaking love him, she'll always be dead and he'll always wish he had her."

"You know that isn't true." He tried to put his arm around my shoulder but I just shrugged it off. I was being awful and unreasonable, and I really didn't deserve a friend like him.

"Yes it is, and _you_ know it." I was practically screaming, "Every day he wakes up and he's wondering, 'What if Annabel were still here?' When we're kissing, he's remembering kissing her. When we're driving in his car, that God damned hearse of his, that I know makes him think of her and he's wishing he could drive her home one last time or that he could take her to the movies and I know this is selfish and awful and so unfair of me to say but I hate it! I hate that I have to be some second rate version of his perfect Annabel. Okay, Adam?" After my little "speech" I realized how hard I was shaking and dropped my head into my lap. "I'm sorry," I whispered as Adam slid his arm back around my shoulder, this time without my resistance.

"It's okay, I needed to hear it and you needed to let it out," I looked up with a start. That had definitely not been Adam's voice, and sure enough I now found myself staring at the one person I really didn't want to see, Eli Goldsworthy. "Look we really need to talk." I shrugged and gestured next to me, inviting him to sit with me.

"Okay I'm gonna go," Adam reached over to hug me, whispering, "Be strong and hear him out," in my ear before leaving the park. I turned to Eli, who was sitting silently, staring just over my shoulder.

"I'm sorry you had to listen to that," I finally managed, "You shouldn't have had to. It's not fair of me to be jealous of her, its just not right. I-"

"Stop," He cut me off, "Just stop it Clare." I closed my mouth, staring down at my knees. "I didn't tell you about her because I thought you should know about some amazing girl I used to have in my life that you could never be-," I glared at him as he said this, "Hey, let me finish."

"I am, I am."

"I told you about Annabel because I needed you to know this part of me. I needed you to know the guy that messed up so badly there was literally nothing that could fix it and the guy who is so scared that something like it could happen again. You are the only person who I felt _anything_ for since Annabel and it scares me. I'm scared of loving you because it means I'll lose you. I loved my mom and she's gone. I loved my grandpa and he's gone. I loved my pet hamster Stewart-"

"Your hamster's name was Stewart?" He glared at me, and I stifled a giggle, "Sorry, go on."

"I loved Annabel, and I lost her and it was my fault. God, Clare it's just so scary. I feel myself falling for you and I want to stop it because no matter how much I want to love you, hell, no matter how much I love you I know that I'll lose you and it will really be my fault." He looked at me as he choked out the last few words, a few tears running down his cheeks. I fought of the urge to reach up and wipe them away, "I'm sorry, Clare, I'm so sorry."

"Stop it." I throw his words back at him, "I'm scared too. Every relationship I've ever known, I've seen crumble around me, my parents, me and KC, Darcy and, well all of them. People lie, they cheat, and they hurt each other and most of the time it's like it's on purpose. But I trust you, I don't know why but I do. And before you can say that you hurt people and that people die because of you, I'm going to tell you that it is not your fault. Things happen, _accidents_ happen and it can't always be your fault. I know you aren't going to hurt me on purpose and that makes me feel safe."

"I make you feel safe?" He asks, looking up at me with questioning eyes. I nod, not really sure where all of this is coming from. "But what about everything you said earlier, to Adam?" I sigh and shake my head.

"I am insecure," I say boldly, "I know how special she was to you and it scares me. I know that you are never going to forget her and that you may never completely be over her but I want to try us, I guess, because I guess it would be worse to really never know because I was scared." I glance up at him, bracing myself for rejection, but finding my eyes meeting his sparkling with an emotion I had never seen before. He brings his head down to mine and gently presses his lips against mine. I can feel him smiling into the kiss. We pull away and he takes my hands.

"I'd like to try that too."


End file.
